The big rush was on to get to see 50 Shades of Grey. The advance ticket sales in the Odeon Cinema almost caused an IT meltdown, as people surged to spice up their life. Being proactive, the D.I.Y. chain B&Q, issued hard copies of the books to staff and told them to expect some ‘unusual inquiries’ about ropes and plastic ties (wouldn’t you hate to be the store manager sent to give that briefing?)
Fatal Attraction: On one level, the attraction is understandable. Rich, handsome, dominant male seeks submissive female for good times. There’s something appealing about ‘giving up’ control and letting someone else take charge. And, not just for women. Our first experiences typically taught us this ‘followership’ role. Our parents took control. As we were growing up, generally speaking, we did what we were told to do. Later in life, when some people bemoan strong bosses, there’s often a secret comfort in being told what to do, going along with the wishes of a benevolent autocrat. So, part of the attraction of the 50 Shades movie is not simply voyeurism. It’s familiarity, a mental slide back to an era when we didn’t need to make all those damn decisions for ourselves.
Man Flu: I was thinking about this topic as I battled the ‘man flu’ all week. 37 boxes of Kleenex. 314 LemSips. I would’ve eaten a live Tortoise if I thought it would stop the coughing. Trying to keep Linda running up and down the stairs with all the gear was the hardest part. I just don’t know why I married someone from that cruel and unsympathetic NEM tribe (Non-Empathy Nursing). It didn’t help that she’d hurt her back in the gym and those trips up to the top floor were distinctly uncomfortable. So she claimed. I was trying to explain how the terrible impact of the man flu trumps everything else, but, for whatever reason, she wasn’t listening.
Taking Charge: Just for the moment, forget about fantasy escapes into a relationship where you’re totally cared for. And think about a time when you are fully well and functioning normally. Not under the weather. OK, have you got that mental picture? Then, I suggest the deal is as follows. You are responsible for your own life. If you’re happy, own it. If you’re unhappy, own it too. Fantasy escapes are allowed (they’re called golf holidays). We all need them. And, when you’re sick, the normal rules don’t apply and you can call on extra support. But in the 96.2% of the time when you are ‘normal’, you’re the man (or the woman).
So, here’s a suggested use for those plastic ties. Decide exactly where you want your life to go. Then lock both of your hands onto the steering wheel as you drive towards that goal. As Coco Chanel said: “My life didn’t please me, so I created my life.” There’s nothing grey about that.
Lighter Moments (thanks to John McGlynn)
Valentine’s Day: Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she’s lousy at snooker.
Cyber Warning: If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s spam.
Too Tame? Have a look at the following poem from Pam Ayres… (arguably, the UK’s best loved poet).
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – (a husband’s point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback
Down Shepton Mallet way
I had a look inside her bag;
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominater!!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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